Does the psychopath define me or do I define myself? I’ve talked about re-defining myself, creating a new persona and re-building my life. Thinking about the last few years and how far I’ve come through my own abyss, I’ve come to realize that altho some may believe that when a person comes into contact with a psychopath, that person defines the future of them, I do believe that only a person themselves are responsible for what occurs in their life.
Many people sit in their chairs and blame their parents/caregivers for who they are today. They take issue for the way they were raised, the abuses they may have incurred and how they were held back in their childhoods.
I recently read a review on a perfume from a woman where she stated that her mother always spent money on herself and never on her children, so as a child, this woman loved spending overnights at other children’s homes so that her own laundry would smell “fresh and clean” with laundry sheets. The perfume she was reviewing reminded her of that smell and she was delighted to own it because of the memory of going to others’ homes.
Somehow, it bothered me that the reviewer had to include her mother in the review. Maybe her mother was allergic to laundry sheets. Maybe her mother couldn’t stand the scent. Personally, I never used laundry sheets in the dryer because I couldn’t stand the scent it left on clothing. And I didn’t like the chemicals. But the point is, why blame someone else for something totally irrelevant? Just go forward. Buy the perfume, but don’t blame your mother for buying it. There may be other issues in your life concerning your parent, dig deeper and grow.
I never want other Survivors to just wallow in self-pity and blame others for what happened to them for their current situation. What happened to them is horrible. What happened to them is not their fault. What happened to them wreaked havoc on their memories and will continue to do so forever. But it does not define them unless they allow it to.
Here’s the catch that some Survivors might believe keeps them in a vicious cycle. When you meet someone new in your life, generally you want to trust that person. You begin talking with them, they share insights about their past and hopefully, you’d like to share insights about your past, too. So you start to talk about some things, carefully leaving out the bad stuff. But, eventually, you know you have to talk about it.
And when that time comes, you have a 50-50 chance of the other person’s reaction. Honestly, it’s probably an 80-20 chance. So you tell them some horrific stories, they’re amazed/horrified/don’t know whether to pity you/act sympathetic/walk away. Now they’re the one walking on those eggshells. Not that you wanted them to, but you had to tell them at some point. Because if you didn’t, then you just might be accused of holding back on them. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve never kept anything back from anyone. If I meet someone who seems worthwhile, I gradually tell them my story. If they can’t take it, that’s on them.
I’ve learned that in re-defining myself, I am who I am. I am not going to change myself. I have a past that’s not so neat and tidy. It doesn’t have a white picket fence. It’s scary to some. If they’re frightened by it, they shouldn’t let the door hit them on they’re way out.
Because if anyone should be frightened, that person should be me, not them. That’s the amusing part to me. When I am asked if the psychopath could hurt them, I could scream. If that’s their first question after I explain it all, instead of their asking if I am still at risk, then I know they are a weak person who looks out for themselves first.
And this is how I am re-defining myself. I am strong. I am not vulnerable. I can take care of myself. I watch how people react. This is me and frankly, if you don’t like it, I’m not going to change for you. I’ve lost too much in my past and I’m not going to lose any more.
I realize what issues I have and what events in my past cause me to behave the way I do. That’s my current choice because it’s my personal way of dealing with life. If anyone has any questions, all they have to do is ask. No one is perfect, I certainly am not. But I sure as hell will never change for anyone. Today and each day forward is my defining moment.
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