Stop Victimizing The Victim. Start Penalizing The Perpetrator.

You can’t victimize the victim. You shouldn’t victimize the victim. But it still happens every day.

In states where laws determine a victim must come forward, they must also include protection for the victim. Protection in the form of a PFA, non-harassment in the courts should they testify, protection when they testify and empathy and compassion from their local police department(s).

Very often, victims of domestic violence, rape, stalking and similar crimes are frightened and further abused without any further support networks. These victims are protecting their children, their pets and their homes. They may not have the resources they need to garner the support that is needed to protect them. They may be unaware of where to go or where help is located.

Although commercials and print ads are prevalent, it isn’t easy to find help. At times, actually securing the help you need may seem as if you have to jump through hoops of fire. It’s easy for an observer who has never been through hell to sit in their arm chair and simply say “Leave the bastard. What’s wrong with that woman?” But they’ve not experienced the trauma and they’re not standing in their shoes. Our society needs to educate from an early age that abuse and bullying is wrong.

Just as a beginning police officer is stunned with his own stun gun so he feels the force of what that gun can do, those in power that respond should be made to feel what it’s like to be bullied/beaten/berated/psychologically abused and so on so they can fully appreciate what they are dealing with when they respond to a call. They need to understand that No Means No. That “good ole boys will be good ole boys” doesn’t mean anything. They need to appreciate the fear in a victim’s eyes. They also need to stop coddling men who are bullies over women because of their own insecurities. We need to educate our law enforcement to understand that victims should be handled with a national policy, not with an officers pre-conditioned idea when they answer the call.

Enough is enough. Stop Victimizing The Victim. Start Penalizing The Perpetrator. Their time has come.

Peace.

Sorceress.

All works past, present and future are protected under a CCC. Creative Common License, Kaarie Blake Musings by Kaarie Blake is licensed under a Creative Common Attribution-Noncommercial-Noderivs-3.0-Unported License.

Survival Of A Psychopath(With Borderline Tendencies…Are You Dating A Psychopath?)

Are you dating a psychopath? The term psychopath seems to bandied around a lot lately. Not a common question, but for it seems to be a catch-all phrase for people who loosely fit a description of a person that seems darker than most and flies many of those red flags I often talk about.

One of the problems with dating a true psychopath is that you don’t know if they are one, unless they diagnosed by a professional and you are aware of that information. One human being cannot just label another a psychopath because of some behaviors they find distasteful. The word “psychopath” is not a word to be used lightly.

I hear it used as a joke often though in conversations with others. I listen to women talk about men they are dating and their “psychopathic behavior”. How “he’s a stalker…stay away from him…such a psycho!” And listening to people speak this way using words so frivolously makes me very uneasy.

Because it’s not fair to others. It’s not fair to just label people with words. That’s ignorance. That’s what our social media, television and movies have brought us to do. They have presented us with characters that have shown us bizarre behaviors of obsession. People, mostly the male gender but not always.  Remember Fatal Attraction with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close from 1987? I’ll never forget the wife stirring the pot in the kitchen when the dead rabbit parts came up from the bottom. Sleeping With The Enemy with Julia Roberts and Patrick Bergin from 1991 details a wife attempting to go underground when her husband becomes violent and his stalking her. Bergin’s portrayal of how a stalker appears to be a  “nice man” to others who are uninformed and how his behaviors affect who he is stalking are right on the mark.

So our society believes we know who these stalkers and psychopaths really are because we have watched these movies and programs. Television has spewed forth programs like Criminal Minds that although good in their attempt at showing and talking about who these people are have a very serious flaw in them along with movies.

The problematic psychopath cannot be “fixed” in an hour or two. He or she doesn’t go away that easily and law enforcement doesn’t find them and lock them up in a matter of a week or a few weeks as depicted on the huge screen you are watching the program.

Following what I’m saying? That’s called entertainment. It’s where people live vicariously through others. They experience an event second-hand because they are watching it, not actually experiencing it.

And they enjoy what they are watching because they are not feeling the emotions that the characters go through. The audience can walk away and talk about the psychopath which leads back to the problem of people not really understanding what a true psychopath is about. They only know what they have seen and been told.

And that information can be dangerous to those that take it and apply it without truly knowing the full spectrum of knowledge or understanding of obsession, stalking and how a psychopath destroys another’s life. Labeling people can lead to destruction of character if you truly don’t know the person. Thus it is important to know the true personality signs of a person and what they really mean before you make a decision as to whether you are dating a truly diagnosed psychopath.

I knew there was something wrong with Daniel within weeks of dating him.  Within the month of dating him, I realized something was amiss between the relationship with his mother and him. I felt it. I brought a psychiatrist in on his case that I knew was excellent  in the field of bi-polar after  the original psychologist I brought Daniel to for consultations. One of Daniel’s first attempts of suicide involved using his mother’s bear gun in our living room.  Sitting alone with him, the gun and his rambling thoughts while only knowing him a few weeks brought realization to my involvement with a very sick man.

I had no way of knowing that he had access to this gun. I didn’t know about this gun at all. Sandra apparently had stored it, along with a few others in her home in a cabinet in Daniel’s old bedroom. Unlocked, and unsecured, the weapons were available to him. She knew the volatility of her son. She had raised him and had been through his criminal past, his violence and other suicide attempts. The idea of keeping these guns available no longer makes me wonder why she did. On the day he had attempted suicide on my couch with pills and she watched him beginning to go into a deep sleep, she nonchalantly asked me to go shopping with her and not call 911. To her that day, it seemed easier to allow him to die. To her way of thinking, his demise by suicide was a blessing. For me, it was tantamount to murder. And Sandra and I fought for my phone. See:  https://sorceressofthedark.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/survivor-of-a-psychopathwith-borderline-tendencies-should-i-have-allowed-him-to-die/.

Signs. Attempting suicide is a diagnostic sign of a person that is ill. Does it fit a psychopath? It fits into many criteria of people. One of them could be a psychopath with other disorders. True assessments of a psychopath can only be determined by a doctor.

I will ascertain certain points throughout my writings about this family. They are factual. I was an attendant and privy to many sessions that both Daniel and his mother had with psychiatrists and psychologists. I lived with them. More than one doctor advised me to leave my situation. More than one doctor asked me if I had any way to leave my situation. Many asked if there was any opportunity for me to exit my situation quietly without telling anyone. I was advised to leave the state.

Doctors knew at times their hands would be tied when they could only commit him for 72 hours. Doctors also knew my situation with my physical health at that time and how exiting my situation was near to impossible. An unraveling mystery was appearing before them of a situation where some knew a predator was at hand living with prey that needed to be removed somehow. Add to their unraveling mystery a mother that would act surreptitiously. I imagine for some they perhaps hoped that a miracle would happen to separate me from this nightmare. That miracle eventually did happen and I survived, but not without lasting memories.

The July 2012 issue of the FBI’s Law Enforcement Bulletin (Federal Bureau of Investigation in the United States) is dedicated to psychopathy and the study of psychopaths. http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/july-2012/psychopathy-an-important-forensic-concept-for-the-21st-century. As others write of their statistical findings from their interactions from their visits with psychopaths, I write of my life with a psychopath.

As those who watch stories that are wrapped in an hour for entertainment can walk away, I cannot. The people who dedicate their lives to unraveling the threads of the lives of a psychopath are dedicated to a mystery that haunts and mystifies them. It is a search to determine what drives these convoluted minds to work as they do. And once caught, what does our society do with them?

So the word “psychopath” isn’t a laughing matter. It isn’t a joke. It isn’t a term to be used lightly in describing your boyfriend or girlfriend. These are true personalities that manipulate people, lie deliberately, do not feel emotion, have no cursory thought for the law, have deliberate agendas and ruin other’s lives. That’s the short version. They aren’t just “bad boys” or “bad girls”. They aren’t people who you can rehabilitate. Their illness is rooted in infancy, signs are seen in childhood and develops over a course of time in adulthood.

They are out there. They are very seriously sick people who others need to isolate themselves from. They will attempt to destroy you if you don’t set precautionary measures for yourself with a supportive network. That network includes(if available and trusted) your neighbors, friends, family and local law enforcement. Articulate your concerns when you are absolutely sure of your facts. Make your plans silently, answer to no one and then get out. Keep a journal of activities that have occurred, keep a running document of any activities with your local law enforcement that you are aware the person has committed for future reference. Retain your paperwork in a hidden safe place with copies. The day may come when you are asked to present a history of their behaviors and actions towards you.

Law enforcement officials will take you seriously if you are serious and have a factual, documented history. Although some may take your words lightly and pass you off as a disgruntled girlfriend, be polite. Try the next shift of officers. Talk to the police chief in your town. Schedule an interview with your District Attorney of your county. Bring the documentation you have accumulated. Pictures, police reports, years of interactions with a person that interferes with your life deliberately after you have told them not to is called stalking and harassment. It is illegal. Obsession with the psychopath can go hand-in-hand. I know. I’m still waiting for mine to end.

Peace.

Sorceress.

All works past, present and future are protected under a CCC. Creative Common License, Kaarie Blake Musings by Kaarie Blake is licensed under a Creative Common Attribution-Noncommercial-Noderivs-3.0-Unported License

 

Survival Of A Psychopath(With Borderline Tendencies…Bad Boys…Why We Love Them & Why We Shouldn’t…)

"Hollywood Bad Boys"

“Hollywood Bad Boys”.

Bad Boys. You know one. You’ve seen them. Maybe you’ve lusted after one or two. Why are women so attracted to them? What is the illusion that they carry? I’ve used photos of Hollywood badboys and badgirls because they are easy to identify and associate their particular traits of manipulating and how they treat their romantic partners. Their lifestyles are well-publicized and society feeds on their behaviors. In and out of jails for the wrongs they have commited, it doesn’t seem to matter. Hollywood still pays for them to work and society pays to watch them perform. And why?

Why are they considered “eye candy”, when in reality, their colors and flavors are as sour as rotten apples and they aren’t sweet at all. They are an illusion. Good-looking, sexy, well-dressed, slick-talkers, manipulative, promiscuous, in and out of  jail…they resemble psychopaths, don’t they? Perhaps. Maybe some of the bad boys harbor some of the attributes of the psychopathic personality.

"Hollywood Bad Boys We Love".

“Hollywood Bad Boys We Love”.

Some women will tell you that their “bad boys” are really “teddy bears” if you knew them. They tell you that underneath their “big bad” exterior is a softie.  But behind closed doors is always another story.

I can tell you this. Every woman who has uttered that statement to me has also cried about his behavior to her and how he has treated her behind her back unfairly. How he  a) has affairs; b) is married or is linked exclusively with another woman also; c) uses her for sex exclusively as in a “friends with benefits” type relationship but not necessarily calling the relationship in those terms; d) uses her for her money; e) uses her for some purpose,  for example-he currently doesn’t have a license but needs transportation; f) is playing her in some way that she just can’t figure out exactly because he doesn’t give her all the pieces of his life so she can know him well enough.

The list that bad boys use their victims for is endless. They have their own personal agendas. That’s one of the reasons they have been given the moniker “bad boys”.

So why the strong attraction to these losers? Are these women short on egos themselves? Do they need someone who attracts attention, albeit negative attention to give them their own ego boosts?

Have these women been so hurt in their pasts that they deliberately choose these types of men to use for themselves? Just as these men have the cavalier attitude of “love them and leave them”, many women also use this attitude as a shield to protect their emotions from being hurt anymore. It’s a defense mechanism.

Here’s the catch in many of these relationships. In turn, they will equally destroy this type of relationship while destroying their own sanity. While seeking these types of men to use, they are only quick patches to what they need to fix in their own lives. Quick and easy fixes instead of focusing on long-term goals of self-improvement and ego boosting work that would skillfully aid them in attaining healthy relationships.

Working on yourself is a difficult process. It involves self-introspection to find both your own qualities and your own faults. Addressing both, finding solutions to your faults and building on your attributes is not an easy quick process. The time factor is long, but well worth it. The person that evolves after the time spent is a person that is more confident, independent and ready to tackle the world with new eyes on a daily basis. Not an easy goal, but one that is definitely attainable.

Can these women who stay in these abusive relationship cycles see the damages? Do they want to see the damages? Can they see the damages?

These are questions asked by everyday and professional people who look at these types of relationships whether they are counselors,  neighbors, friends, involved with the situation or not. So often, others look at these women and give up on them with the attitude that the situation is hopeless and the woman is only getting what “she deserved”. The situation these women find themselves in is far more complex and deserves much more insight than a mere shake of the head and a flippant response than this.

These types of relationships are always in a downward spiraling motion. For as many years as it took the person to get involved with that type of negative individual, it will take  many years of inward reflection to remove themselves from that type of negative wanting.

"Hollywood Bad Girls".

“Hollywood Bad Girls”.

Why do people want that elusive “bad boy/girl”? Yes, there are women that are bad girls too. Not as many as the bad boys, and you don’t see them as often, but they are out there. The interesting phenomena is that the women that are considered bad girls are very often looked at with other monikers such as whores, sleazy women, trash, etc. Gender inequality is prevalent when describing these types of personalities. Not fair in today’s world, but that would be another post I could write.

"Hollywood Bad Girls Again.

“Hollywood Bad Girls Again”.

The reasons are many, but here are just a few:

1. They are different. They represent something that is out of the ordinary to you. They offer something that is in a word-naughty, bad, sexy…something against what you have brought up to believe you should be with. They go against your inner moral beliefs and satisfy the part of you that wants to do an action that might be considered wrong. You yourself aren’t doing anything wrong, but by associating with that person you are assuming the guilt.Why do people want that elusive bad boy/girl?

2. They aren’t the settling down type. If you have this type of person on your arm, what does it say about you? That you’ve cornered them? That you have captured them? Think twice about this. Look long into your future with them and look just as deep into their past relationships. There is a pattern with this type of personality and you are not the one that is going to break it, no matter what they tell you.

3. They are different. You know what a good boy is like. A good boy is predictable. A bad boy isn’t. A bad boy is exciting because you never know what might happen and what he might do. The problem here? You also don’t know what he might do with your emotions, your feelings, and your relationship. You just might become old to him as quickly as you were new to him because that’s what he’s about. Bring in the new and get rid of the old quickly.

4. You can’t figure him out. He’s a conundrum. He’s frustrating but you believe he’s all worth that to you. And a relationship that is frustrating, makes you wonder whether he’s faithful to you and makes you feel as if you’re not his only one is really what you’re looking for? Really?

5. You are rebelling and want a partner that is against all that you have always been attracted to and told you should be involved with. You’ve led a cookie-cutter life, a perfect life, you need excitement and you look to the bad boy to fill this void in your life. What he will bring to you is excitement and heartbreak, frustration and pain, and perhaps more. The choice is always yours.

6. He’s a challenge. Good boys want the picket fence in their lives. Bad boys don’t want to be tied down. They want the motorcycles, fast cars and faster lives. Remember this next time you are considering one. The key word is stability. Do you want stability in your life or do you want a roller-coaster?

7. You honestly believe you can reform this bad boy to stay with you forever. He has told you that you are his soul-mate, his one and only, etc. His pathological lies have begun to hook you into his web of deceit so he can use you for his wants and needs. When he’s finished, you’re gone. Not because you want to be gone, because he’s finished with you. It’s called the Red Flags to look for. See:  https://sorceressofthedark.wordpress.com/2011/07/14/survivor-of-a-psychopathwith-borderline-tendencies-red-flags-to-look-for/.

You always have choices in your life. Being with anyone is a new gateway to a new experience, a new vista. Life is a Journey to be experienced and enjoyed even if you make mistakes. It’s when we learn from our mistakes that we go forward.

You also have choices to look inward and find yourself. Because your self  is a special being and should be taken care of with kid gloves. Find ways to see what your qualities are, where your special talents lie and use them. Develop hobbies. Find out what’s fun in your life for you and not anyone else.

Becoming #1 is an important step to boosting your ego. It may sound too simple but put stickies up telling yourself how wonderful you are. Because you are. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself everyday you are worth it. Again, because you are.

Focus on how important you are and soon you will find others will see you in a new light. Relationships will open where you become more confident, more self-assured and more in control. It does happen when you begin to work on yourself. But you have to make the first step in choosing yourself first. You can do it. Finding yourself takes time but when you do you’ll find the person inside of yourself pretty amazing.

Peace.

Sorceress.

All works past, present and future are protected under a CCC. Creative Common License, Kaarie Blake Musings by Kaarie Blake is licensed under a Creative Common Attribution-Noncommercial-Noderivs-3.0-Unported License