Winning or losing. Is it important to you? Who will be the winner in your situation? After all has happened in your life with the abuse, with the horrific events, with the ordeals that you have been put through, with the abuses that you feel you can never admit to another soul, how can you live again? Is it humanly possible? “Choosing Your Path”, the title of my photograph above, shows many pathways. It’s always the decision of the Survivor to choose their own from many walks of life shown them.
So many speakers talk of ways to uplift ourselves. Take baby steps. Take one day at a time. Write goals. Take one step at a time. Sometimes, none of these thoughts make any sense to a person that has been to hell and back and has thoughts twirling in their minds like a cyclone heading for the barn ready to rip it from its foundation and toss it helter-skelter into the sky as if it was a paper cup. We snicker at these ideas that are given to us from motivational speakers and walk away wondering if we’ll ever get any better.
But why? Why do we chastise them for their words? Just as we feel they couldn’t possibly know what we are feeling, do we really know how they arrived at their own words for bettering their worlds? Do they tell you their stories? Or do they simply give you ideas on how to save yourself? One must relate to another in order to feel their words and ideas make sense. There must be a common bond for the two people to stand upon for those two people to agree. We feel the one helping us must have also felt our pain and our suffering in some manner similar to ours for us to appreciate their words of help.
When I began my blog, “Survivor Of A Psychopath(With Borderline Tendencies…), I knew there were other written words about psychopaths. But none of those words identified with my own inner thoughts and triggers. None of those words hit me inside and made me feel. Sometimes a few thoughts in an article I would understand and agree with, nodding my head as I would read it, thinking…oh yea, I’ve been there.
I knew my story was that diffferent, that intense, that searing to the soul that I had to finally expose it. I felt it necessary to tell the world an intimate view of psychopaths that perhaps hadn’t been told before as personally as I was prepared to do. I needed to awaken my soul to let its own demons out to speak to the world of readers that needed to listen and heal themselves with my words.
Would I be able to do that without pity? Without making readers feel sorry for what has happened to me? That would never be my intention. To simply relate my story, explain what happened, why it happened, how it happened, why would I let it continue and how it all came to happen made sense as a way to begin. To tell the truth without embellishment was important. To be as honest as possible and to back up my statements about psychiatric conditions where necessary. Those were rules that I mandated for myself.
As I began writing the blog, my lack of sleep exacerbated by more thoughts evolving, this story has grown to become not only a factual rendition of a horrific ordeal but also a tribute to those that have survived a psychopath’s grasp . Frankly, I wondered what would happen once I began the story. One thought would lead to another. I expected this to happen. I thought I was prepared. I had waited a few years to begin to write about my story of Daniel and his mother, Sandra.
Because of the police interventions, I had always kept notes on Daniel’s behaviors. Knowing that I would always be talking to psychiatrists about his actions at home, with me, in public and with his mother, I kept notes about him. Now I have this reference library to cull my information from and write this story. There is much more to say, and in time, this story will be published. His behaviors had been so disturbing back then I needed to write about it for doctors so I could give them accurate descriptions. I felt it was important to be as honest and descriptive as possible to get Daniel the best help possible.
Healing has no time factor for its beginning nor its end. I will tell you that with all my heart. I will never ask you to “get over it”. I will never say “the pain lessens with time”. I will never say “the memories fade”. Each person is different and how they deal with their own scars is very different. Who they meet after their ordeal, who they talk to and how they interpret what has happened to them will shape their future along with their own inner survival strengths.
When I first met Daniel, he seemed almost shy. He seemed somewhat timid around me. He appeared willing to change some things about himself (or so I thought) to blend himself into my style of living. What else does a psychopath do for their intended victim? They want to make them feel comfortable about this impending relationship. The psychopath’s intention is to make the victim feel complacent in their actions in the beginning. The psychopath is only parroting the victim’s behavior and words. He was watching me very carefully. He wasn’t timid or shy.
Daniel would call me by certain pet names that to some women might seem quite endearing but I found too intimate for a new relationship just beginning. I’m not a prude. I’m not a Bible-thumper. I think pet names are good for couples that know each other well enough to create these names and monikers for a reason. But don’t call me a certain name that you think is sweet after a week of knowing me and continue using it instead of my name. You don’t know me. I’m not your special one. I’ve learned my lessons well from Daniel,the psychopath. Has he turned me into a non-trusting person? Perhaps. Cynical? Definitely.
Daniel chose me as his vulnerable one but also for his evil needs. Through his way of thinking, I appeared as a woman alone. He had no way of knowing what my background was, where my individuality lie or how strong or weak of a person I could be as a woman in any situation. How important would the information of these qualities ultimately be to him? Very important. A psychopath is manipulative and needs a person that they can bend and form to their twisted desires.
Early one evening, we were to meet in front of a large local school and their grounds. I parked my car out front of the school and waited a bit. I wondered if I had misinterpreted the directions. Was I to meet him on the other side of the block at the other entrance? So I drove around to the other side of the school to look if he was there instead. Situated on a city block, the school encompassed an area quite large.
As I arrived directly on the opposite side of the school and parked there, I saw him come out of the back fence. He walked out of the fencing, rather slowly, but in a limping walk. Parked a short distance away, I watched him gimp towards me. By the time he reached me, he was still short of breath. I asked him why he was short of breath and why he was limping. His explanation? He said he had seen me start to drive away, and decided to run through the school grounds to catch me on the other side of the block. Mind you, I told you this was a city block long. By the time he reached through the other side of the fence, of course he would be out of breath, somewhat limping and need to catch his breath. This would also make him appear vulnerable to me. Never would it make him seem dangerous or frightening or manipulative. To a woman, it might even seem sweet that this man “ran” that far to catch her. Actually, if he wasn’t in the front of the school where he should have been, then he shouldn’t have been anywhere else but walking on the side of the school. Certainly not in the middle of the grounds running. There are always security guards roaming the campus and he could easily have been stopped as being there as a civilian on campus. No one is allowed to walk on campus without a permit. Just an unusual occurrence for anyone that knows that area. But a way to make him seem endearing. He “took a chance” by running through the middle of the campus just to catch me when he saw my car pulling away. The story just never sat right with me. I don’t know what he was doing, but it doesn’t matter now.
Here’s the irony of that meeting. A few weeks into meeting him, I was going to tell him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. His mother, Sandra, had somehow been given my telephone number and was now calling me at home. I’m a private person and didn’t relish the idea of his mother phoning me. She would call and wonder when I was going to see him. As if this was any of her business? That should have been a warning sign, and it was. He was an adult man and he couldn’t stop his mother from meddling into his business. I told him that. I also told him that the relationship was going too fast for me on his end and I wasn’t ready for anything that serious.
I was sitting on the top of my car telling him all of my reasons for never seeing him again. He was sitting on the curb in front of me. It was near dusk and I could see the side of his face. It looked dark, but I couldn’t really tell because I didn’t know him that well. Suddenly, he jumped up with tears in his eyes. I’m sure he worked hard for those tears. He told me how he had never found a woman like me before. How his life was so different now. How only I could understand him. He was talking so fast and throwing accolades at me from every direction, my mind accosted, could hardly defend itself. He was standing in front of me, arms on each side of me on the hood of my car.
His face, close to mine, eyes boring into mine, pleading with me not to leave him. Telling me how wonderful his life had become. How he knew he could be someone now with me at his side. How he had finally found a real woman. The woman. Everything a woman wants to hear. Then he gingerly kissed me with salty lips. A very confusing moment. Did Daniel win at that moment? Did I lose? Must we treat life always as a game of winners and losers? Or should we continue to live without the call?
Was he lying to me at that moment? I’m sure of it. Psychopaths are compulsive liars. That’s part of their make-up. The human mind accepts words at times that it shouldn’t because of vulnerability that it isn’t always aware is there. We aren’t perfect. If we were, we would be robots or computers and the world would be a very dull place. To protect yourself or your loved ones from psychopaths is a very daunting job. You must believe there are such beings. You must believe that they exist. And you must believe they exist not only in dark alleys. They will find you and seem appealing. They exist in all aspects of every socio-economic group, in all types of working situations, from roofers to CEO’s of major corporations. What they do with their psychopathic tendencies is criminal, that is what our world needs to remember.
In the beginning, when I first met Daniel, all of his actions could be summed up to be his own little game, his own ruse. I know this now. I’ve learned the signs of a true psychopath. Daniel is a diagnosed psychopath with borderline tendencies. He has had other diagnoses. We meet people along the walks of life but we cannot ask them for a mental health review before we get involved with them. Would be a nice idea though…
All works past, present and future are protected under a CCC. Creative Common License, Kaarie Blake Musings by Kaarie Blake is licensed under a Creative Common Attribution-Noncommercial-Noderivs-3.0-Unported License