I cannot hold my readers hostage as my memories hold me. What I have vowed to do is gather my thoughts and educate those in the terrifying world of socializing in any way with a diagnosed psychopath. I stand with new-found courage and the will to speak adamantly about what I have personally experienced and learned since my association with Daniel, a diagnosed psychopath with borderline tendencies and his mother, Sandra, a diagnosed histrionic narcissitic personality that would disassociate. These two people were diagnosed with a variety of psychiatric illnesses.
It’s difficult. My world now is harrowing. My memories are intertwined not with happy thoughts anymore. Post Traumatic Stress has taken over. What their family and especially Daniel did to me in my past is so horrific I truly don’t believe I can ever lead a happy life again. Sad as that sounds, it is simply truth. I have come to accept my life now and each day I have to accept more.
My mind compartmentalized the terrors I lived through and neatly tucked them away. The human mind is a self-preservation tool. Our brains must be if we are to survive horrific traumas that occur to us. During the time period I was with him, I was a non-believer in the happenings around me at times.
Part of the non-believing occurred because of the physical condition and state I was in because of the motor vehicle accident. My body was straining itself to heal and repair physically. It was going 100% physically to stay alive and maintain its condition. Mentally, there was no time to concentrate on the horrors of my situation. Now, over eleven years later after one of the accidents, Doc B tells me at one point that there were 10 trauma doctors called out for me during one particular instance. She tells me this now, after my body has healed, because she feels my mind can handle the seriousness of what has happened physically. Had she given me information such as this back then, my motivation to survive may have been compromised.
Healed after eleven years, my physical body back to its pre-motor vehicle accident state, my mind is now opening to heal. I thought I had endured mental pain before. I truly believed I had remembered incidents that occurred. My mind was saving me, or I should say, saving the best for last. All those incidents that had seared my soul, that had wrenched my guts, that had ripped my heart out and knocked me down to my knees are coming back. I never knew this day would arrive. I curse it, I cry and beg for these memories to go away. But they won’t. They never will. My mind will forever bleed.
It doesn’t matter who I talk to about the atrocities that have been done. Nor does it matter how many times I repeat the stories. They are still as fresh in mind as when they happened. I cannot change that. Not another soul has been through what I specifically have endured with the Smith family. Other women have endured intolerable attacks and they too suffer as I do. These women write me, thanking me for validating their feelings. For them: this is for you. I understand. I believe you. I feel along with you. You are not alone. There are more of us than you can imagine. There are many silent sufferers, unfortunately. I have chosen to become an outspoken Survivor. I’ll talk for you so you can feel alive again. So you can feel understood again. So you can feel validated. But only if you want me to.
Send me your stories, your thoughts. Tell me how you are surviving. I’ll tell the world how women are surviving. Anonymously. It’s important to let others know that although we will always be scarred, at times, we can lift above those scars and tell our stories so others can find hope.
Send your stories to : firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ll be looking forward to reading them and posting what my readers have to say anonymously. Thank you.
- Psychology | Psychopathic tendencies (mike10613.wordpress.com)
- Book Review: The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson (blogcritics.org)
- How to Spot Psychopaths (pochp.wordpress.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder May Run Cocurrent With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder In Some Cases (paradoxparables.wordpress.com)
All works past, present and future are protected under a CCC. Creative Common License, Kaarie Blake Musings by Kaarie Blake is licensed under a Creative Common Attribution-Noncommercial-Noderivs-3.0-Unported License