Part One of Red Flags To Look For left off with talking about physical, emotional and mental abuse beginning in a relationship. Where it can start, how it begins. Frankly, it should never start. Any type of abuse in a relationship from either partner should never be accepted. Never. Period. There is never an excuse to accept it.
For some personalities, they do accept it. They find reasons to believe there must be some reason it is happening. Or they feel they must accept it because of exterior reasons. There are many people raised as children in abusive families. Some children raised in an abusive environment have not been able to break the cycle of abuse. Abuse haunts them horribly, as it should. But if it haunts them, then why can’t they take the step to break away from it?
Sometimes the abuse takes on a hidden or masked appearance to the abused. It appears so confusing that you aren’t even aware that a type of emotional or mental abuse has occurred. I’ll give you some hypothetical examples.
The psychopath seems perfectly normal around others, around your friends, around your family. But in private, he is beginning to make derogatory comments directly to you. Not all the time. Just here and there. “I really don’t like the way you wear your hair. I liked it the way you wore it when we first met. You used to look more pretty. Not that you’re not pretty now….” What is he doing? He’s setting you up to knock you down, piece by piece.
You’re talking with each other on a social site. It’s a messenger forum, and before, you’ve always felt good chatting with him. Both of you have laughed, shared stories, teased each other. You tell a joke and suddenly he calls you a name. He tells you that’s not funny at all. “You’re just a smartass, aren’t you today?” and he signs off without any explanation, leaving you wondering what you said that might have irritated him. Except you didn’t say anything wrong. He’s testing those waters again.
The psychopath begins to lessen your thoughts in his mind as he continues to romance you. In other words, what is important to you, is no longer important to him. His agenda is always what is important. Remember how I spoke of his following you, stalking you in the beginning? He wants to know your every move. If you don’t report in to him about your whereabouts, he isn’t in control. If he isn’t in control, he is in danger of losing his sanity. If he wanted you to text or phone him at certain appointed hours, and you didn’t, what happens? Does he chastise you because you don’t? Does he question you? Ask you if there is someone else? Tell you he can’t sit around waiting for you? Make you feel that he is putting you on the spot? Does he want an immediate explanation of why you didn’t call/text?
There is no reason for any person in the beginning of a relationship to be so demanding. No one, no matter how much you want them, should ever invade your space in this way. Remember, you have a personal life that should stay personal for a designated time until you feel safe enough to share it fully with another. You never have to share every minute of your life with a new person when you meet them, telling them who you are with, where you are and where you go. It’s ok to say you went to work or shopping, but not minute by minute dissertations of your day and the names of the people you spent those minutes with.
Here is another key: when you tell the psychopath about the other people in your life, he dismisses them. They are unimportant to him. He tries to separate and divide. His goal is separate you from anyone close to you. If he can do this successfully, then he gets you all to himself to devour. When he gets you to himself, you have no one to turn to for help. Remember that. Always keep your friends and family.
One of the reasons that the psychopath wants to separate and divide is to stop you from talking about him. He is aware of his behavior. He knows that if you were to discuss the ways that he treats you to your friends and or family, it might bring up red flags to someone. Someone might question the way he is treating you. If someone questions the way he is treating you, you might question the way he is treating you. And through all that, the relationship might just end. Successfully end. The end of that psychopathic relationship. Thus, the psychopath tries to divide and conquer to prevent this.
Ignoring that he hurt you. Perhaps he told you he didn’t like your outfit, but then said “oh never mind, it’s ok.” The original hurt feeling is still there. Maybe he did hang up on you abruptly and never said another word about it. Maybe he called you a slut without provocation. Simply because he didn’t know where you where and asked if you where out “whoring around”. Then when he sees your anger or confusion or frustration, he ignores it. But still romances you. You are still getting the attention.
Herein lies the confusion. How could he call me those names? How could he chastise me yet still romance me? How? Because a true psychopath has no remorse, no empathy, no feelings, no emotions. It’s all a set-up. These are the red flags again.
Red flags that you might brush away, blinded by his romanticism, (remember-it’s all orchestrated for you specifically), red flags that you might discuss with your friends and family but if he has managed to divert you from them you no longer have them as a support to discuss these issues. If the psychopath has managed to conquer and divide, he has you at his will. Do not ever let him do this to you in the beginning of a relationship when you see these manipulative emotional abuse patterns begin to emerge.
Daniel and his mother Sandra exhibited all of these red flags when I met them. I didn’t realize what was happening. I had never met anyone like them. They are slick, they are cunning, they are manipulative people. They are true psychopaths. His mother was proud of his actions as a psychopath as a normal mother would be proud of a son’s accomplishments had he won the Nobel Peace Prize. This family was one sick group of people. I learned the hard way, and I’ve been lucky so far to get out from under them.
Part Three will discuss yet more red flags.
- The Unexamined Victim: Women Who Love Psychopaths (tipggita32.wordpress.com)
- New book explores how to spot a psychopath (ctv.ca)
- Dating A Psychopath: Evidence of How Psychopaths Compliment and Groom Their Target Part 1 (datingapsychopath.com)
- Dating A Psychopath: Example of Psychopath’s Complimenting and Grooming Target Part 2 (datingapsychopath.com)
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